The Dice Man: Mid life Calculated Gambling

 

 

Many years ago I met the man who had brought my parents house before they left New Zealand. He told me that he held the most incredible house warming party, fuelled with the pills that were found when he moved in and lifted the carpets.

When I leave my present home what will be found in the cracks?

Beads, and thousands of them, in every colour and shape. In the garden they will discover  previously lost bones of the many creatures that I had found dead and buried to be worked with at a later date.

Of late I have been sifting through eighteen years of paperwork. Letters from debt collection agencies, bills, love letters, records of purchases, pay slips, events attended and plane tickets.

Trying to be ruthless and sift through a paper trail of time lived so quickly, without lingering, is a task in itself.

Packing possessions is working through more solid reminders of who I was. What do I choose to leave, to give away, and to take?

How do I qualify what will be of value to the person I may become. Should I work on a scale of money, practicality or aesthetics?

I find it’s difficult to give myself time to make art or write as I create something very different, the foundations of a new life.

I am aware, very aware, that I am doing something not at all uncommon for a person of a ‘certain age’. Leaving a redundant life in pursuit of old dreams, whilst I still have a chance, strength, will and energy. However I am also aware of peers who, taking the same risks, have ended up sheltering in my home because they have nowhere else to go.

No matter how much I hedge my bets and act in a measured and sensible manner, I am aware the stirring of an inner adventurer that has long been buried under mounds of adult responsibility and standardised rules of engagement and behaviour.

I feel a buzz of excitement but a fear as well, so I try and temper both by reading about property markets, stamp duty and legal fees.

It’s all good, it’s all right, it’s all change.

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About charlottejane2002

Author of 'P is for Prostitution', 'The Bloody Sacrifice' and co-editor of 'A Contemporary Western Book of the Dead' which are all published by Mandrake of Oxford. Italian publisher Roberto Migliussi has recently released 'The Sky is a Gateway, Not a Ceiling', a book of Charlotte's collected essays printed alongside images of his own art work. Charlotte is also an artist who creates spiritually directed art works from road kill and found objects. She has had her written work printed in anthologies and various magazines and on line publications and has given presentations at many events and institutions including Edinburgh University and Brooklyn's 'Museum of Morbid Anatomy'. Her art work has been exhibited widely including at London's Chelsea Gallery and The Bath Royal Literary and Scientific Institute, and is soon to be shown in New York.
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