Today was a strange day. I went to the Hunterian Museum at The Royal College of Surgeons and in the exhibits saw many examples of terrible human pain, but also of the transcendental beauty of life. A little later I went to an exhibition on the history of Bedlam which included art work created by the mentally ill; more suffering and again, more incredible beauty.
The person who was supposed to be spending the day with me has disappeared into a work bubble that pushes aside everything else and warrants no disturbance even for love and adventure.
Today has been about walking and looking, and thinking.
Age is an odd thing. One minute I was a disturbed teenager, struggling with huge emotional pain and fighting to survive and make sense of my place in the world. I surface from this mire, and thirty years have slipped by.
I have become a different person who has learned to swim in shallow safer waters and time suddenly seems too short to try and do everything I feel I need to achieve.
I see photographs of people I haven’t seen for years and they are now a different shape; bigger, smaller or simply more cylindrical. They have less teeth,less hair,more lines and more focus on their physical limitations.
Children I knew are now adults with progeny of their own,and illnesses that made me fear for my mortality twenty years ago, don’t seem such an issue now.
I sit in trains that pass multitudes of houses and think how every one of those homes hold lives that have experienced so much even if it was ‘just’ the beige carpet 9–5 lives of proverbial quiet desperation.
I want to shake people to say grab the opportunities, change things, love, take risks. Don’t simply wait till pain and chance follow their natural inclinations, but twist the skein and the weave a little, to make something that shimmers and shines.
However I admit being a fast moving hamster who has failed meditation lessons. I’m no longer frightened but simply in a hurry, so every moment becomes of maximum importance.
I have no goals, no particular direction, just the knowledge that as so much falls away in importance: the hang ups with looks; the focus on weight and with worrying what people think; something new rises to the forefront and that what really matters, is to live every moment in entirety.