Potential Energy

IMG_5217Two months into treatment and a month to go. My viral load has dropped from over a million to 27 and whilst I’m elated, I’m more than a little stir crazy at this whole self care business.
It’s a year of being ‘at home’ something that my 20 years in Bath has never exposed me to before.
I’m re-landscaping my gardening, putting more focus into my day job, reading more than ever and actually getting to know the city I live in.
Being incredibly tired helps, something that I’m not used to hampering my style. I’m high energy and though perhaps I run more on pure bloody mindedness rather than real term energy, I run fast and hard…well I used to.
Now I’m sleeping a lot, eating well and gazing at the abyss of the middle aged and the middle of the road and however temporary it may be, it’s grim.
Recently I went to a movie with a friend who doesn’t work, and the afternoon showing was filled with people not that much older than myself, who were retired. I met another retired friend for coffee, and a woman that I’d occasionally seen in passing came over to chat. She’d been reading in another corner of said coffee shop and was bored. We talked for a bit and after she left I became very aware of this huge amount of intelligent people drifting restlessly through retirement, enjoying the time to read books, travel and see films but basically single, lonely and unhappy.
Truth to tell, this freaked me out.
I suppose my obsessive, focused projects save me from this drift, although every now and then something interrupts my passionate immersion and I come to and look around.
I hate the idea of being part of a group purely by benefit of age, necessity or circumstance, when I don’t really fit in. It happened when I was actively involved in NA and AA, when I lived in Hong Kong and mixed with ex pats and when I moved within the drug world.
Perhaps it is just ego denying that I am more mundane than I like to believe, and over the years I have learned all people have surprise selves tucked away under purportedly ordinary exteriors. However I’ve always found nothing to be more lonely than being part of a group that you don’t fit into, and more empty than mixing with people that you cannot be yourself around.
Anyway.
Enough of the introspection. The sun is shining and I have art to create!

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About charlottejane2002

Author of 'P is for Prostitution', 'The Bloody Sacrifice' and co-editor of 'A Contemporary Western Book of the Dead' which are all published by Mandrake of Oxford. Italian publisher Roberto Migliussi has recently released 'The Sky is a Gateway, Not a Ceiling', a book of Charlotte's collected essays printed alongside images of his own art work. Charlotte is also an artist who creates spiritually directed art works from road kill and found objects. She has had her written work printed in anthologies and various magazines and on line publications and has given presentations at many events and institutions including Edinburgh University and Brooklyn's 'Museum of Morbid Anatomy'. Her art work has been exhibited widely including at London's Chelsea Gallery and The Bath Royal Literary and Scientific Institute, and is soon to be shown in New York.
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2 Responses to Potential Energy

  1. You are certainly, one hundred per cent guaranteed, not mundane. Forget your past, interesting though it may have been, forget the future as it has happened yet, concentrate on the now. I am one of those semi-retired, lonely, bored people and I neither hate that fact nor welcome it. I intend to live now for this moment and by doing so change that situation. I’m just a man therefore not as smart as you 🙂 so you just be the thing you are and don’t let the crap of non-reality cloud your mind to what is real. All things pass. So will this moment. Love and kisses (if you want such from an undefeated old fart!)

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